being true to myself

so... i decided to have babies.
first i got pregnant. then i gained weight. and since weight gain is supposed to happen, i started to indulge. and before i knew it, treats became daily staples and dessert came after every.single.meal. yes... i may or may not have eaten sweet delights hours after breakfast. or with breakfast. or as breakfast.

and these terrible habits formed. before i knew it, i was no longer pregnant. i was no long breast feeding. he was no longer 2 weeks old. and i no longer have an excuse. an excuse to eat like it was my last meal. an excuse to look like that naked. an excuse to be a bit... or a lot... out of control.

i tried to embrace it.

but i can't. 

i am a water person. i live in a swimsuit for months out of the year. and the thought of putting on a suit made me reevaluate the activity at hand. and that is not okay. i am not giving up my love of water for my hatred of this current mess. although this might sound overly dramatic... that is not my intent. i can nip this in the butt now... or continue to spiral out of control.

i am looking at my wedding pictures for inspiration. i want that version of me back. i will get that version on me back.