when the going gets tough, the tough... daydream

baby D seems to be conducting some sort of experiment. a test maybe. it could be appropriately titled...

'how many times can one baby wake in one night?' or 'a how to guide for tiny humans: how to drive your parents to insanity'

it's hard. really hard. it's hard to be tired. it's hard to soothe him when he's been fed and burped and changed. when you don't know what else to do. it's hard to let him cry it out. it's hard to hear your husband slam things out of frustration. it's just hard.

and i can't help but let my mind wander to days passed. simpler times, not necessarily better... just different. days that are gone. days that i oddly miss. and i actually feel like a big bratty whiner for even saying this. i know people try desperately for babies. for healthy children. for kind husbands. for homes and food and jobs. so i really have nothing valid to complain about.

but this is my current reality... with a little whine mixed in.

i miss uninterrupted sleep filled nights. i miss feeling refreshed. bright eyed and bushy tailed.
i miss ryan's sunscreened shoulders at the river. his hat turned backwards. his raccoon eyes after our trip. the boat. the sun. lounging.
i miss lazy, lazy weekend mornings. {and i am sooooo not even a sleep 'til noon girl. 9 at the latest} and now... i get 6:30 if i'm lucky.
i miss controlling the tv.
i miss sitting and being a spectator.
i miss planning things around myself... not naps.
i miss being selfish.

but... i wouldn't go back in time. i wouldn't do it differently.

because my reality is much better than any daydream.

we are still laughing and smiling and having fun. we sneak naps and we say sorry after long nights when we may or may not have made the nicest comments. we are surviving and...

i just keep telling myself... 'you've got this'