Sunday, January 1, 2012

a challenge

i am in christmas shopping/plotting/planning withdrawals. i enjoy shopping for people. i like to study the products, search for great deals, read reviews. now that it is all over, i don't know what to do with all my 'shopping' time... well, there a million things i should be doing, but i am avoiding. 

i feel entitled to new 'post baby' clothes. i purged the closet last week. i wanted to get rid of everything... but i resisted. i want a new 'i'm done having babies forever' wardrobe. i want/need to take off a few more pounds, but i am so sick of every single thing i own that i feel antsy. i want new stuff now. i want to feel put together. i want to feel grown up. i want to be happy in my clothes.  

i am nervous about going back to work. i have yet to teach first grade. i don't know what it will be like. i am nervous of expectations. i am nervous about sharing a contract. i am nervous about dealing with parents.

as she is watching Baby Signing Time right now... i feel guilty about how much tv i let her watch. she can say 'tv' and she brings me the remote. it's such a nice break. i love breaks. i will promise myself it will be different tomorrow and it never is. i am tired. baby D is still up many times a night. these are excuses. i shouldn't be making excuses.

at least she can sign! ha! signing "baby"

i know how to eat right. i do. i know better. i lost weight for my wedding. i followed a strict diet with my last pregnancy. i KNOW better. i need to do better. i need to stop shoveling sugar into my body. i want to do this without resistance. i want to do this happily. how do you give something up that you love... happily?

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